By Jennifer Cecere
I represent a company of stature,
In this world the only one of it’s kind.
The largest and the greatest so they tell me.
Please keep my employer’s name in mind.
Uncle Sam is the company that pays me.
The capacity of salesman is my lot.
Next month I’ll be up for promotion
if the most in contract sales is what I’ve got.
I’ve an item here to sell, I know you’ll love it.
I have sold it to so many folks like you.
They all seem satisfied with this product.
I feel certain I can make you think so too.
The item that I offer is called Freedom.
A special brand of Freedom you will see.
It’s Uncle Sam’s own brand, the very best kind.
I will demonstrate it, watch me carefully.
I was one of the first purchasers of this brand.
As you can see I have no chains or strings on me.
But I believe all Uncle Sam has taught me.
He reared me from a pup so lovingly.
Uncle Sam has made it easy life to cope with
For he’s given me his thoughts in place of mine.
When in doubt I need but stop and let him whisper,
Then I do as he directs and all is fine.
You see this is how it works, my uncles freedom.
It relieves me of the need to be me.
Why be bothered with the trouble of thinking
When Uncle Sam as mapped it out painstakingly.
His plan removes the need to make decisions
Consequently possibility of error,
Making life a carefree game that doesn’t matter.
Is something wrong? I see on you a look of terror.
Does it worry you to cast aside life’s problems?
Are you fearful of what you might cease to be?
Don’t worry friend, I wouldn’t steer you wrong now,
Uncle Sam would not allow it. Look at me.
I met a few like you who wouldn’t purchase.
In fearfulness they’d argue and they’d say,
“I refuse to forfeit my own powers of reason.”
It is sad but they regret it to this day.
I’ll say simply then continue with my sales pitch,
Uncle Sam was sore displeased with their intentions.
To break down our sameness was their plan.
Enough of them, the price is still not mentioned.
Yes, I’ll tell you of the price Freedom will cost you,
For Uncle Sam has instructed me.
We simply feel beforehand you should know it,
After all is it important we agree.
In order to unload life’s dreary thinking
And accept my Uncles’ Freedom in its stead,
You must agree to let my uncle without surgery,
Replace his thoughts for yours within your head.
One more thing is required. Yearly payments,
Outside of income tax and such as that.
And you must happily respond if you are needed.
In times of strife you may be called to bat.
Any questions? Yearly payments – Oh that’s easy.
There are times when other nations disagree.
They won’t buy Uncle Sam’s brand of Freedom.
Yet our uncle wants them all to be free.
The result is always war, my poor uncle,
So we ask that you do forfeit every year,
The life or the limb of a loved one.
It need not be a relative, a friend that’s dear.
Oftentimes folks run short of relatives.
So to make it easy on the ones that do,
And in order to ensure yearly payments,
Any precious, close, dear friend will do.
Oh and yes! They need not die in the melee.
Uncle Sam is not unfair you understand.
If death does not occur he will consider,
An arm, a leg, a hand.
So you see it’s really all very simple.
And I hope that I have made it very clear.
Uncle Sam has in mind your best interest.
Here’s my pen, please sign right here.
Sir, I’m holding out my pen, won’t you take it?
Well then, I’m forced to tell you the news.
There is a new law in effect as of this morning.
It is compulsory, you cannot refuse.
It is essential that we all are in agreement.
It is the most important part of Freedoms plan.
If you refuse then more are bound to follow.
You must become like every other man.
If you don’t pick up that pen and sign that contract
I must stamp upon your forehead LIBERAL!
Then in every place you go, you will be target,
Of free men who may cast their stones at will.
Surely you will not abide your own destruction.
Don’t you want the safety numbers have to give?
I do not understand your refusal.
A relative, a friend, so what, you’ll live.
You seem like such a likeable young person
So I’ll give you one last chance to sign
And if you refuse this time,
The guilt for your fate cannot be mine.
Alright, have it your way, I will stamp you.
There it’s done, you’re now one of them who dares
And like all the fools thus labeled throughout history
You’ll be laughing as I descend those stairs.
What is it makes them laugh I always wonder.
It’s their lives, their very futures they have canned.
They could have saved it all by simply signing.
Yet they laugh and I will never understand.
Uncle Sam keeps telling me I mustn’t worry.
It’s unfree to come to him with such sad tales.
Then he tells me I’ve done well and pats my shoulder.
And we smile and gaily total the day’s sales.